Just in: Simone Biles and Suni Lee Have the Perfect Explanation for Why They Both Fell off the Balance Beam…See more

Under the best of circumstances, competing in an Olympic medal event is a red hot cauldron of intensity. In the words of 1979 Odor Eaters Champion Big Ern McCracken

you’ve “got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.”

And the pressure in that cooker has to be turned up by an order of magnitude when you’ve got Tom Brady looking on.

Like any massive star, he’s got a gravitational pull that affects all who come into his orbit. So you can sort of understand how both Simone Biles and Suni Lee took diggers off the balance beam and, metaphorically speaking, off the medal stand as well.

Lee’s tumble was especially painful to watch. And if I could post a video of it here without running afoul of the Copyright KGB, you’d know what I’m talking about.

The best way I can describe it is to borrow a phrase a chick my brother was dating who slipped off a wet boat dock and landed spread eagle on the edge of it.

“I think I bruised my Hoo Hoo,” she exclaimed. That Lee was able to gather herself, climb back up on that narrow little 4×6 and complete her routine was a Profile in Courage the likes of which deserves the respect of all, regardless of whether you have a Hoo Hoo or not.

And both Lee and Biles were candid enough to put the blame for their subpar performances squarely where it belongs. On the people in the stands: